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    Internet dating stories from hell

    Their skin has no valleys to catch the shade, no wrinkles to trace the contours. I feel safe going on my own and Jess plays good music but it’s hardly a contact sport. Thrilling and I look just fabulous in waterproof clothing. Guardian Soulmates have emailed – they’ve got a sale on. Elaine has now been been experimenting with free dating apps such as the dreaded Tinder – which she is assured is not just for sex. Happn ‘for when your paths cross’ (#stalker) and Tastebuds which promises to match your tastes – and seems to be matching hers to 25-year-olds in Wembley.

    So we fake it and try not to simper, leer or dribble. Photo Photoshopped and taken four years ago, Fig B.

    But, since I strive to remain optimistic, I try to learn something from every horrible experience I've had. Ahead, read the worst, wildest, craziest first dates I've ever been on — and what I took away from each experience. Not every meeting is going to lead to your prince charming.

    But every date is a chance for a great party story.

    ’ Men are fond of the Action Man pose, ‘Here’s me up a mountain, I’m well fit,’ with a very large fish or bizarrely, with a small child or a young girl, which we hope is their daughter but experience yells at me, ‘Beware the spawn of my ex-wife.’ It is a ridiculous state of affairs. This whole business is based on the hope that a passport photo and 30 quid a month will bring love or at least a nice dinner and some sweaty sex. One of the biggest complaints from online daters is winding up on a date with someone who doesn’t look the way their profile indicated they look.Video chatting is an easy way to avoid this awkward and disappointing fate.Continue reading Here’s my 2014 year in review: 1) Am still single and searching.Have had a few “first Internet dates” this year (and enough time has passed that I can now laugh about them! Continue reading Here’s a recap of the good, bad and weird things that happened during August: Good 1) Bought a new car – after 11 years!

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